Trusting God has been something that has always been a big thing for me. It is something the Lord has highlighted in the past few years specifically, but I have always had something of a little bit of childlike faith. It is a combination of an easygoing personality, a lifelong relationship with the Lord, and His unfailing grace towards me. The whole reason I am even at Wheaton is because I really trust the Lord to be my everything and to provide for every need.
So I don’t know what has happened in the past three months. Maybe I just haven’t been aware of the shift in my relationship with the Lord. Maybe it is because I am surrounded by people who struggle with trusting, both God and others. Maybe it has been my lack of intentionality in putting myself in and recognizing situations where I have to have faith. Maybe it is the “do it yourself” mentality of college. Maybe it is my recent lack of intercession and contending prayer. I don’t know exactly when my trust began eroding, but it has. . .
I realized, or rather, the Lord highlighted, during my quiet time last night the angst in my heart. Especially before coming to Wheaton, my life was characterized by divine peace and surrender to the Lord. Again, the very fact that I am at Wheaton because it really doesn’t make sense and I really trust the Lord’s plans. But last night, when thoughts of developing relationships, scheduling, getting into classes, finding mentors, investing into my future, paying for classes, etc. were running through my head, I realized how weak my trust in the Lord had become. Almost immediately, I was led to read from Matthew 8-9 (not previously on my mind or planned to read. . .the Lord is so good to us, is He not?).
The stories of the leper, the Centurion, the stormy seas, the woman with the problem of blood, and the official’s daughter would have brought me to tears had I been in a crying mood. Even now, typing this, I almost wish I could cry at the simultaneous conviction and rest they bring. I am so grateful that Jesus understands my emotions and my circumstances even when I don’t. I am so grateful He exposes the lack and struggles of my heart in the most painfully glorious and beautiful way possible.
Why am I so concerned that my late sign up date for classes will mean not getting into the classes at the times and with the professors I want?
Why am I so anxious to develop relationships and have the adults around me invest into and care for me?
Why am I so impatient when it comes to solidifying friendships and still meeting new people?
Why have I not brought decisions about summer, classes, and my future before the Lord in prayer?
Why is my heart in such tension about the church I have been going to and clubs I want to get involved in?
While these may feel uncharacteristic of my heart and trust in the months prior to coming to Wheaton, they are not uncharacteristic of my, or anyone else’s, human struggle. I am both reassured and challenged by Christ’s rebuke of His disciples of “little faith.”
I have had very little faith recently. But it is not that I don’t trust Jesus anymore: He has been so abundantly faithful to me, in my whole life, but especially these past few months at Wheaton. I think I’ve just stopped recognizing my need to trust Him. I can’t make relationships happen. I don’t know who the Lord has for me, in this season or to walk with me for a longer period of life. I can’t ensure I get the classes I want. I don’t know what the Lord has for me to do and learn, how He wants me to grow and who He wants to put around me. I am totally dependent on Him.
I didn’t get to Wheaton by myself, so what makes me think I can, in my own strength, sustain myself here? Some of the best things in my life came when the Lord moved most evidently and all I could do was trust him; like my relationships from high school, like my church back home, like being in this microeconomics class (and loving it so much). . .
I know it hasn’t been me who has done these things. t know I can’t “make it happen” myself. I had just forgotten to remember it.
That’s it. It’s noon and I’m hungry (Saga, here I come). I needed to get these thoughts out of my head. I needed to both confess my struggles as of late (and ask for your prayers in them!), as well as potentially remind you not to forget your need for faith and trust. Don’t let the surrender you had (or maybe the surrender you want), and the subsequent peace and provision of the Lord, slip through the cracks because you aren’t mindful of it.
Enjoy the rest of your Tuesday. Let Jesus be the sovereign, omniscient, good God He is. And maybe, read Matthew 8-9. Be encouraged. Take heart. We are all of little faith, but we must continually ask for more, because according to our faith the Lord does His work in our life.
And sorry for the lack of pictures. My poor camera has been so terribly neglected.