Everything comes full circle. I titled this post almost a year ago and then saved the blank draft, hoping the words in my head would translate onto the page over the next few days. They never did. But after weeks of a relentless attack on my identity, I think I get what I was feeling before. What everyone sort of feels all the time. And now that I’m journaling again, I have some words for it. . .
We all live under some weight of insecurity.
It’s the nature of fallen humanity. There’s a fine line between being confident versus being cocky, knowing there are areas you need to improve versus focusing only on your weaknesses. We don’t measure up, to our expectations of ourselves or to other’s expectations of us; but when we do it goes to our head and arrogance seeps in.
The other night the weight of this insecurity was heavier than it’s ever been – even more than my dreaded middle school years. I don’t really know why or how the whole thing gets spiraling, but realizing that I couldn’t name 5 things about myself that defined me, or at least, not ones that I was actually believing in the core of my being, I decided to make a list. I went through letters of encouragement, I flipped through Scriptures of truth, and I commanded my heart to accept the truth of who I am. It’s never enough to stop believing all the things you are not; it’s not enough to just get rid of the lies. Your spirit must be re-filled with truth, otherwise the insecurity continues to fill those open places in your heart.
Who am I? I am. . .
Fill in the blank for yourself. Continue filling it in. Go deeper than the Bible study answer. You are a child of the Living God, but within that you are a unique, individual, gifted, called, purposed, and redeemed human being. What makes you, YOU? Why did He make you, YOU? Remind yourself the details of who He is and how that defines who you are.
The point is that I am, because I’m created in the image of the Great I AM.
“God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” ” Exodus 3:14
Let me say that again:
I am –enough, loved, genuine, wise, compassionate, loving, pensive, open, thoughtful, fun, passionate, gentle, sweet, unique, creative– because He IS and I’m created in His image. I don’t see myself correctly when I’m not seeing Him. I am a broken, fragmented, incomplete reflection of Christ’s nature, which means I have a heck of a lot of areas to grow. But nothing spurs that growth on more than the penetrating knowledge of the love and grace of Jesus and the deep confidence that produces.
There’s too much insecurity because there are too many lies. They are in what I hear, what I see, and what I think. All the things I’m not, all the things I should’ve done different, all the places I’ve failed. Jesus doesn’t call me a failure, so what makes me think I can call myself one (John 15:15, Romans 15:7, 2 Corinthians 5:17)? Jesus doesn’t condemn me, so why do I think it’s ok to condemn myself (Romans 8:1)?
“For he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we may be holy and unblemished in his sight in love. . .in him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace” (Ephesians 1:4, 7)
None of that sounds like the lectures the culture, the Enemy, and my own expectations lay on me. None of that fits with insecurity. Yes, if you walk with Christ then you are called to active obedience and sanctification. Yes, that means uncomfortable growth and humility. But let’s not live under added weight of insecurity because we are afraid we are disappointing Jesus.
I am. . .His and because He is.