Tag Archives: update

A Prayer Journal Entry

Brace yourselves. I’m about to get real, real over here.

When I was praying the other night, I had to have some Maddie and Jesus honesty time. And while normally Maddie and Jesus talks stay between Maddie and Jesus, I felt like I needed to share these. First, I want to let you know where I’ve been spiritually. I should only be sharing highlights if I’m not afraid to be real about the less than ideal stuff too. Second, I want to let you know if you have been in/are in/will ever be in a weird, confused, and kind of upset but also still in love with Jesus place that doesn’t totally make sense, you aren’t alone. I’m pretty sure it’s just part of the journey. And finally, I wanted to let you read how I write when I pray, since I’ve found writing things down often helps me sort through what I’m thinking or what I feel like the Holy Spirit is speaking. I love learning how other people connect with Jesus or use their journals, so maybe you care about that kind of thing too.

This is a genuine, recent entry out of my prayer journal (excluding some personal details). Welcome to the heart of a girl whose life isn’t always on-my-knees-first-thing-in-the-morning and praying-for-the-cashier-because-the-Holy-Spirit-said-to kind of love for Jesus. Sometimes my love for Jesus, in a very non-glamourous way, means I have to tell Him I’ve had some expectations that He hasn’t met. And we have to deal with that. So this entry actually has a lot of uncomfortable vulnerability and bad theology. Yeah, I know. Don’t say I didn’t (…say I didn’t) warn you.

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Where’s my first love, Lord?

Where’s the love and zeal I used to have for you?

It’s not that I stopped loving You. Or stopped pursuing You. Or stopped believing in You. But I’m lying to myself if I say that we are okay. That everything is like it used to be.

I’ve doubted Your power. I’ve questioned Your love. I’ve believed that You aren’t wholly trustworthy. I’ve relied on my own strength. I’ve dismissed the ways You’ve moved and spoken in my past. I’ve ignored Your voice. I’ve accepted some easy, powerless rhythm with You as normal and comfortable. I’ve stopped clinging to the truth that You are as good as You say You are. Because, why?

I used to run to You. To prayer. To listening. To community. To worship. To deep places and deep things. To just being with You. 

It’s like my Spirit was all dried up by questions and confusion and unmet expectations. 

I think I’m angrier with you than I want to believe. I’ve followed you so wholeheartedly. My family has followed you so wholeheartedly. I could go down the list Lord. I just don’t understand. . .

And I know. I know what You’ll say. Maybe that’s why I’ve let the fire fade, or something. Because I don’t want to hear, “You aren’t supposed to understand. You have to just trust me.” Again. 

I can hear the bad theology reverberating in my head. I know what lies sound like. But I can’t help but feel like You’ve broken promises to me. I feel like You’ve let me down.

I hate that because I know it’s not true. I hate that because my life isn’t dramatically or catastrophically falling apart. And maybe, even more, I hate that because I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to get back to the old us.

It’s not that I don’t love You. It’s not that I don’t want to love You. I want to want You again. I want my first love. I want pictures and discernment and just being with You. I want to believe in the power of prayer and the weight and glory of everything You can do. I want hours in your presence that feel like just a few minutes. I want You to the be the first and last thing I think about everyday. I want to pray for people and encourage people and see Your heart for people again. I want to remember what it’s like to be overwhelmed with all the finite love I’m capable of for You. I want to be overwhelmed by Your infinite love for me. I want to be reminded. I need You to remind me.

Wanting it is enough, right? It has to be enough. I feel like it’s all I have.

I don’t know when my Spirit dried up or died down. I don’t know when one of our wheels slipped off the track. I don’t know when I started building up cynicism or anger or hurt towards You. But I need you to teach me how to seek Your face again. Because I really do love You.

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How am I Doing?

“What’s going on in this wandering heart of mine, Lord? I’m so grateful that You care infinitely more about Your glory and my good and everyone else than I do. Teach me how to abide. Do more than I could ever dream. And open the eyes of my heart to see it.” 

…I’m a little distracted.

…I’m tired.

…I’m exhausted.

…I’m so cold.

…everything’s a little overwhelming.

…I’m so wonderful.

…the Lord is just so faithful!

…it’s good.

Anyone who has asked me how I am in the past week has gotten any one of these answers. EvenIMG_3907 sitting down to type this, I don’t know what to say. I guess I’m good at re-typing the lessons of the Lord. Not so much at being honest with what’s up in my heart.

I think it’s because I have this tension. Obviously I can’t tell people how I am all the time, so I pick the biggest things. And they tend to be the most extreme – good and bad. Amazing and difficult. Struggles and victories. And where do I start with those?

This year isn’t last year. The pace has picked up with new joy in my classes, freedom and confidence from the work that Jesus so graciously did in me over the summer, the blessing of deeper relationships, excitement in new opportunities. I am overwhelmed, yes, by the amount of it all, but in the best possible way. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I call my parents after class and events just to share the goodness of the Lord. I spend most of my time smiling (that is, when I’m not trying to sneak a nap). Half of my journal space is prayers of thanksgiving.

But the other half. . .

is His refining me. I’m a dirty, yucky sinner. I’m so fickle in my affection for Him. I’m so easily distracted by things that I KNOW don’t matter. I forget to dwell on truth and then I wonder why I’m going crazy. Just the other weekend, the Lord made it very clear that I was doing a pretty crappy job of slowing down and caring for my soul. That I need time with Him and sleep. That my life, my time at Wheaton, my days, THE NEXT HOUR aren’t a sprint. Which is such a gift, because we all know that Maddie doesn’t sprint. She walks, at her own sweet pace, usually with motivational music that she sometimes involuntarily dances to. So why am I trying to rush through everything?

I love to jump in with both feet. I don’t know if it’s because my heart thrives on deep things or if it’s the way my strengths wire me, but when I’m all in, I’m ALL IN. I do it with my major, with my mentors, with church, with my friendships, with my desires. I want it all to go deep and fast and now. And the fast pace of this year has magnified that. In the best and worst ways. The Lord, in His graciousness, reminds me to slow down. To breathe. To abide. . .

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13

So how am I doing? I’m good. I’m really good. I get to spend my days learning how to listen to Jesus and love His people. And it is far from perfect; I get so distracted and tired and unfaithful and frustrated. But I’m doing good because He is good. So that’s how I am. And I hope that’s how, whatever is going on in your life, you are doing too.

Beautiful Fall Days Call for Random Updates

I don’t know where the time is going. I’ve been here for 6 weeks now – A Quad, or half of the semester, is 3 weeks away from being over. It’s October. My mind no longer has any concept of what time means.

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College is a frenzied mess between having too much to do and having nothing to do. Or maybe that’s just me because I don’t play a sport or an instrument, and I seem to have some manage over my course load this semester.

Obviously I’m writing this because I feel like I have enough down time to type out a brief update of my life here at Wheaton. Although, this post isn’t going to be as deep and introspective as I thought it would. Whatever. Life isn’t all deep and profound moments. Simple update here.

Chicago is awesome. And the Art Museum is free for Wheaton students.

And Wheaton is awesome.

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Dorm life is crazy. Good, bad, ups, downs. . .living in a dorm has it all. Birthday parties are the best. I woke up a few days ago and decorated our dorm for my roommate’s birthday. Learning how to love well.

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I check my CPO everyday. Sometimes it’s exciting, sometimes it’s empty. Either way, it makes me feel like an adult to turn the dial and open my box. Similarly, I feel like a part of a secret agency when I swipe my student ID in front of the scanner to get into my hall. And opening my door is basically like opening the door to a hotel room, except better, because all of my stuff is inside. It really is the little things with me.

And that is what everyday has been – lots of little things. Random conversations, simple meals, wonderful classes, sporadic meetings. Everyday I wake up dependent on the Holy Spirit, and everyday I’m in awe of what Jesus surprises me with. . .the simple things. If there is one thing He’s teaching me right now, it’s humility. But He’s not just teaching me one thing in my hours-long times with Him in the prayer room. But more on that later, since apparently I’m not really in the mood to process through the deeply profound and spiritual things of life at Wheaton. And there is a lot. All good, of course, because He is all good.

And in other news, remind me to keep you updated on how my vision for the Lord’s plans for my future changes. Basically, how much I keep wanting to switch the direction of my major.

Previous though: Double IR/Psyc major, Art minor

New thought: Double IR and Business/Econ major (really, don’t tell the Lord there is something you don’t think you’ll ever do…like, “I’ll never be a business/econ major, that’s too much math!”)

Enjoy your Tuesday. Hopefully, you are enjoying some nice, though unpredictable weather, too.